KIERAN'S STORY

Before I start the story you need have a bit of a back story, I apologise in advance I have severe dyslexia so I find writing story’s hard. 

Anyway I used to have a good childhood up to year three I was happy until my parents got me tested for dyslexia and thought public school wasn’t the best for me and that I’d struggle when it came to GCSEs. So I moved to a local private school in my area it’s very small with 200 students that might sound a lot but everyone knows everyone and word spreads quick. 

Anyway everyone at this school was straight and quite a few had negative views on homosexuality. I personally was drawn towards girls as friends as I could communicate with them easier. This started in year three like I said so I had two girls I would call good friends luckily I’m still In touch with today. Once I started hanging with girls the boys in my year and the two years above saw me as an easy target I would always have homophobic slurs thrown my way of course not terrible these kids where like 8, 9 and 10 but they would still call me “gay” and make me feel bad about being friends with girls. This sort of treatment followed me from year 3 being aged 8 all the way to last year in year 11 aged 16 so I’ve had a lot of exposers to this. Sadly it go very bad in year 10 when the words “cunt” and “faggot” were thrown at me on a daily basis I was made to feel that I had no choice on how I lived my life. On top of the name calling I would revive physical abuse mainly being kicked behind my knees causing me to constantly fall over. It had gotten to the point where I was depressed and struggling with sever anxiety which I still have to this day. I was in the deputy’s office almost every week due to something going on they kind of stopped caring because I’d ask to see the deputy head and was told she’d come get me as she was busy but she never came. I stared to cut my arm as a way of relieving some sort of anger or sadness out of me. I also tested drowning myself several times I’d have a bad day rush home and go take a bath, here I would put my head under the water and see how long I could last before I chickened out. 

So that’s kind of a back story? Like since then I’ve started college and met some amazing people I still have anxiety and I do get really sad sometimes and find emotions confusing.

But onto how I came to coming out. I knew I was gay from birth I always just felt comfortable around girls and I’m such a mommy’s boy. And when I was 12 I came upon porn so like, that happened of course I was intrigued. Sadly when I was thirteen I didn’t close it on my phone. And my parents always looked at my phone because they wanted to keep me safe as they are protective. But my dad went on my phone and saw the browser open, I specifically remember being on my bed and my dad shouting at the top of his lungs calling for my mum to come upstairs they went into there bedroom and slammed the door all I could hear was the muttering of argument. It must have gone one for what felt like hours I was completely unaware I thought I had closed it. Next thing I knew my mum walked into my room her eyes were blood shot and she sat on my bed and was like “are you gay”, of course 13 year only me wasn’t ready to come out so I denied it and told her that the boys at school asked me to search up a specific link that “showed a creepy funny face” or something along the lines of that bull. Anyway then I knew I had to try cover my tracks so I got a “girlfriend” she thought I was actually wanting one but I felt so bad not to admit to her but I couldn’t risk the whole school knowing I was actually gay, like they all thought I was so they teased me for it but what would they do if they actually knew I was! So I stayed with her for a year and a half I never kissed her we hugged and it was more a friendship but it covered my tracks my parents thought I was going through a “faze” then one day in year 10 I came home crying and an email to my parents was sent explaining that I’d been asked to leave school early due to boys in my year planning to “jump” me after school that was somehow intercepted by a teacher before break. My mum sat me down as in the email it said there was talk about how I was gay and that they didn’t like that. So for the second time in my life I was questioned by my mother weather I was gay or not this time, I didn’t want to hide that so I replied with a “yes” we must have sat there for hours on my bed crying and her telling me how much she loves and accepted me. But I knew my dad wasn’t going to give the same reaction so I begged my mum not to tell him, because I wasn’t ready for that to get out because I was terrified as to what he would do or say. I kept quiet and lived on until I left school in year 11 and went off to do NCS, baring in mind I’d never done anything with a boy because I lived in the middle of nowhere and went to a school full of straights. The second week I shared a room with this guy, let’s call him jack. Jack was openly gay and very flamboyant and everyone accepted him, I still think it was because jack had a twin brother who was very masculine and popular so jack got away with being himself because of his brother? Like I that’s what I thought anyway but on our second night together we stayed up talking about how our experiences being gay were of course his were great. I told him that mine was tough. Anyway one thing led to another and we ended in doing something. That was my first proper experience with a guy. After that I became depressed like really badly because I kinda felt used by jack because after NCS he never messaged me again. But that experience gave me the confidence to be myself more, the whole summer I was trying to come out my shell in a way. And then 1st of September 2018 I snuck out my house hopped onto a bus into Leicester and went to my very first pride, I loved every second of it. That gave me a glimpse into what my future would look like if I just was myself! Soon after college started. I wanted to make a good impression and because of my experience with my school I was certain to be straight as no one knew who I was so I could start over and be myself. But the one thing I kept saying was that I need to act straight and he straight but on my first day something must have clicked because I was myself, I wasn’t putting on a deep voice nor was I trying to I was just being me, and everyone didn’t care! This was my first warm loved moment. Fast forward to December 17th just after my 17th birthday I got my first boyfriend and I brought him round my house but he acted very gay so when I came home with him and called him a “friend” I was hoping that would be enough to pass off to my dad. But he instantly turned round to my mum after we left the room and asked if my “friend” was gay! My mum waited until we had dropped my boyfriend off to ask me if we were dating I said yes and she said “you need to tell your dad” my heart sunk I was like I can’t he’ll get angry and I’m scared and not ready. I never planned to come out to him I was just gonna live my life and not tell him we never had a good relationship anyway because he was constantly away because of work, but I luckily never had to ask him because 27th of December we were packing to go away for New Years and I was sat in my parents room helping it was just me and my dad, he said to me “so you and this boy, are you just friends or is there something more” in my head I wanted to run away but I knew I couldn’t and I knew this was my only opportunity at having an easy time to come out as I wouldn’t has stroked this up with him. I proceeded To say “yeah it’s something more” he asked me “what are you dating?” I replied with yes. He got up took his car keys and went for a drive, I cried that night because I thought he’d left for good or something stupid. He didn’t speak to me properly for a good month but he eventually spoke and said he was proud of me and would love me no matter what. 

Now my whole family, friends and people at school know I’m gay and that’s the point in life where I wanted to be. And now I can’t live my life being me. I still find it hard when we’re having a convo and my mums like “your a gay man it’s ok to not like sports” I’m just not used to hearing it in public! But I love it! 

I know not everyone’s experience with coming out is going to be as easy or as long as mine but just know whatever you do you’ll always be loved and cared about. We’re all family 🖤 nothing will change that. 

Be you, be the person you wish to be but better x